Awww, poor Owen Wilson and all the other miserable celebrities
Posted by Mike O on August 29, 2007
I propose to start the Michael Openshaw Celebrity African Rehab Center. For the mere sum of $25,000 (probably not a fifth of what they spend elsewhere), I’ll grab them by their scruffy hair, drag them onto the economy class section of 24 hours of travel to Uganda, throw them into the back of an open truck with the fruit and the chickens and haul their sorry asses out to the Sabine orphanage in Rakai province.
There, nobody has a clue who they are (other than a Mzungu- ‘White person, presumed rich’). I’ll put them to work filling potholes, digging out broken sewer pipes, helping kids work vegetable plots and generally make themselves actually useful. There they’ll meet kids who think a single piece of chicken is a feast, who will give a big smile and kneel in gratitude if given a basic pencil and pad, who get up to scrub every hard surface before they march off to school at 6:30 am.
The celebrities can listen to rats crawl through the rafters at night, learn to squat over a slot latrine, and figure out the tricks to taking bucket baths with cold water. They’ll ride to the trade centers and hide in the back of the truck (to keep prices for being jacked up to Mzungu levels). They will be pointed at and talked about, not for who they are, but for the color of their skin. They will not be allowed cell phone, nor contact with the outside world, and will only get the news from the local channels.
They’ll go make home visits to the various hovels and listen to stories of the horrors of being orphaned by war, poverty and AIDs. They will NOT be allowed to let anyone know who they are; if they do, the disclaimer I’d have them sign would give me the right to dump them out in the western swamplands 50 miles from the nearest phone.
Three weeks of that and they’ll come back thinner, having accomplished the first worthwhile things they have in years; they will thank God for their ‘normal’ lives and will sign a pledge never to feel sorry for themselves again. If they ever start whining again, that pledge would allow me to take them back for 6 full months of continued rehabilitation (and they pay the full freight).
As for the kids: the excess from the $25K would pay for a much better diet and more educational opportunities; not to mention getting a few rats and a bunch of malaria-laden mosquitos killed.
Join me, Owen, and learn the value of life!